MY ADDICTION

Let us leave proverbs and motivational quotes for a minute and focus on reality.

Most of the beautiful memories that we have experienced are the ones we never imagined would take place.

 

Everything started with one grammatical correction.

I am more of an introvert, so most of my time I do spend online.

 

I find a lot of pleasure in sharing memes and videos I find to be funny. It is probably the best form of humor.

 

One fateful day, I was texting with my phone as usual and posted what I thought to be funny.

 

However, there was a mistake. I used "am" instead of "I'm".

Everyone overlooked the mistake and keyed into the joke, but she messaged me and corrected my mistake.

 

Her name is Sarah.

She is a friend to my bunkmate back when I was in secondary school.

It was the first time she did text me.

 

I felt embarrassed and then I told her since people have already seen and reacted, it was too late to take down the post.

Nevertheless, I accepted her correction.

 

From there, a conversation ensued, I asked about her likes and dislikes and she did vice versa.

Then we exchanged pictures so we could know each other better.

My eyes beheld an explicit masterpiece.

 

She is the definition of pure undiluted beauty.

Never have I seen such a damsel crafted in perfection.

She had a stunning smile in all the pictures I received.

Her shape, height and looks were well proportioned.

 

I was intrigued and asked more about her. She was social and texted way quicker than I expected.

Could it be love at first sight or should I say, “Love at first chat”. It cannot be.

 

We texted until late at night and she complained of her eyes getting heavy so I advised that she get some sleep.

 

Little did I know that Tuesday night was the beginning of a journey.

I could not find sleep that night.

 

It could have been hunger or maybe I slept more in the afternoon but it was not any of those options.

I could vividly see her face as I lay on my bed.

 

Morning quickly came, and immediately I woke.

I dropped a Good morning message and waited for her reply.

 

Another conversation kick-started from there and I have to find out more details from her.

 

She was not in a relationship. My heart skipped a beat.

Why would no one want to have an angel like her by his side?

 

I was inquisitive and she replied that she does not fancy relationships.

I believed there was more to it but I did not want to think deep. She has her reasons and I am no one to judge.

 

 

I decided to flow with the tide.

Days and nights came, weeks turned into months.

Moreover, with time I could not stay without hearing from her.

 

I was a very sad kind of person coupled with depression before I met her.

Growing from a toxic African home, suffering constant mental stress from issues unknown to me and coping with thoughts of the wrong life choices that I had made years ago.

 

People do misunderstand depression.

 

Depression isn’t always sadness.

It is also feeling numb at 3am but smiling and laughing with friends at 3pm.

It is also not being able to get out of bed even though you were fine the day before.

It is also not eating because you are not hungry or can’t be bothered but also over eating because, you’re bored and feel empty.

 

It is also one loving too hard or not at all.

Depression isn’t a constant feeling of sadness; depression can be hidden in happiness.

Your depression is valid even if people say it is not just because you smile.

 

She brought extreme happiness and light into my life. A simple call from her could push all my burdens out of existence.

She became my love, my hope, my fantasy.

She was MY ADDICTION.

 

We got into a relationship and we have not even seen physically yet.

I did feel inferior on why she would accept me despite all my flaws and shortcomings.

However, the joy that lingered in my heart was indescribable.

 

A couple of months into the relationship and began to yearn to see each other.

Therefore, she had plans to make that possible.

I can never forget that Thursday. The day we finally got to meet face to face.

 

All lectures meant nothing to me. I charged my phone to the fullest while I awaited her calls so I could give her accurate directions.

 

Finally, she reached and alighted at a well-known junction in my vicinity.

I rushed to go see my angel and what I saw contradicted with the images I had been receiving.

The pictures and video calls did not give me a complete glimpse of how she was.

 

She was extraordinarily beautiful and stunning. Her hair seemed to move slowly with the wind.

Her eyes had a glow that I have not seen before.

Though her clothing was quite spacious and appropriate, it did not hinder her curves from becoming visible.

 

She stood at the other side of the road radiating and waiting for me. I could not stop but wonder how she belongs to me.

I met her and I received the tightest hug there is.

 

She was to stay for a week and believe me, it was the most wonderful seven days I have experienced.

We had fun, sang together, visited places and the intensity of our feelings seem to increase by the minute.

 

But, as we know, good times and people do not last.

It was time for her leave back to her state and I could not cope with how I would miss her excessively.

We had to return to our usual way of texting and video calling.

 

In the twinkle of an eye, it was two years and the bond was unmatched.

She was my coping mechanism and everything bad faded away.

 

A certain day, I reconnected with an old friend and we began to talk.

We discussed and the gist linked to my relationship, and about Sarah.

Trouble loomed in when he began to expatiate on her past. He knew her before me.

 

I heard details that shook my heart like thunder. Every single utterance made me lose balance.

I wanted to terminate the conversation but I could not just stop listening.

The details broke me word after word and ruined my entire day.

 

How could she possibly do this? Could it be true?

Entangled in rage and emotions, my next line of action was total silence.

It was the best way I usually have to show my emotions. But it was a grave mistake on my part.

 

During that period of silence, she dwelt in pain and felt as though she had no one.

My mistake was that I did not question her, whether she was right or wrong.

I did not calmly interrogate to get facts from her. I made a completely absurd conclusion.

 

During, that same period, she got rid of the pain, gradually forgetting me and she was stronger than before.

When I came to tender my apologies.

It was too late. She cannot detach herself to someone who cannot trust her.

 

She ended the relationship.

 

I fell on my knees when I saw the text. It happened during the lockdown and I was about finishing my final year.

The 17th of July. A day that would always ring a loud bell in my head.

 

I contacted her roommates, siblings, close friends and associates.

Still, all efforts returned to the dust.

 

Everything returned to its place. Depression coupled with sadness.

MY ADDICTION was gone, absent. My therapist and love, Gone with the Wind.

My body crumbled from within and I gradually lost my sanity.

 

I cried for days, left social media and entered a life of solitude.

I lost interest in everything that gave me happiness.

Convincing yourself that everything will be okay is the hardest thing to do.

I was to let go but it is hard to say goodbye to the person you really love.

 

After she blocked me on all social media platforms including my phone numbers.

I found another avenue and I sent,

 

“Sarah, I am so sorry for everything I must have put you through

I am a mess and a wreck since your absence

I would wake up thinking I would receive a message from you

But gradually I missed you again and again

I acted wrong and I have realized that in a more painful manner

Thank you for letting me go, because I would never have walked away”

 

Tears welling through my eyes as I typed.

Whenever I scrolled through my phone and I would see countless of her images.

Our previous conversation and aspirations, all gone.

Thanks to technology, her memories were everywhere, no matter how many times I delete them.

 

Breakups are so scary; imagine spending your days, months and years together, doing silly things, building memories then one day you will wake up living your own life again, with a burden to erase such beautiful times from your mind.

 

Many things changed; my mental health was deteriorating.

Music with sad lyrics turned out to be my best friend, as no one seemed to understand me.

 

I tried to stay away from heartache but I failed. I want to be mad, but I chose to be silent.

 

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.

Loneliness hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Losing a person hurts.

Envy hurts.

Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.

Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

 

Hope you do find it as I have lost mine.

Currently, she visited my state and we had a chance to see.

She had someone else now, someone more appreciative and better.

On my part, I was still trying to patch myself together after the wreck.

 

I could not stare directly into her eyes. I feared I would burst into tears.

She asked if there was anything I wanted for the year? If I had any goals?

I looked at her and said. “Healing”

I just want healing. That’s all.

 

It’s been a while since we spoke, no calls or texts. You may see this or not.

But all I do seek is forgiveness for the ruins I have caused.

 

I would return to a life of solitude after all.

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